THE SON WE NEVER KNEW

The Heartbreak and Loss of Miscarriage

“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.”

-Psalm 147:3

The Back Story…

I have dreams. Not like your average dreams. I have these weird “see into the future” dreams. And most of them foretell of people being pregnant. I once had a dream a close friend was pregnant with a little girl, so I called to let her know. She laughed it off saying she was pretty sure she was not pregnant. Two weeks later she called to let me know she was indeed pregnant, which came as no surprise to me. About 6 weeks later she called me again, in disbelief, to tell me that the ultra sound showed it was a baby girl.

Kinda strange, huh? And this is not an isolated event. I would say that, to date, I have had more than 10 dreams about different people being pregnant and almost all of them have come true.

So what does that have to do with the title “the son we never knew?” Well, I’m getting there. I usually don’t have dreams about me, but one time, before we ever had kids, I dreamt that we were a family of 5; 2 boys, and a little girl born 3rd in the line up. My husband and I weren’t against having more than two kids when we first started trying for a family, so this dream seemed like it could quite possibly be a reality.

Fast forward a bit and we are expecting our first son (so far my dream was on track). It wasn’t the easiest pregnancy nor was he the easiest baby. You can read all about my struggles with gestational diabetes and a severely colicky baby in these posts. Even though I struggled during my pregnancy and had a very difficult baby, we thought we should start trying for baby #2 pretty early since getting pregnant had not been the easiest process for us either. All of these struggles also made us re-assess having more than two kids.

The Surprise Pregnancy

Two months before our sons first birthday we got a huge surprise…we were pregnant! Holy cow! This was a complete shock to us because it took us a year to get pregnant the fist time around. We were not prepared for it to happen so fast with the second. Although we were shocked, we were also super excited. We were going to have two kids super close to each other and hopefully they would be the best of friends (especially if my dream was correct and we were going to have another boy).

One week after having the positive pregnancy test I began to spot. I did not think much of it because I had some spotting with our first and everything was fine. But spotting lead to full on bleeding and I was in panic mode. I immediately called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound.

The Miscarriage

During the ultrasound they couldn’t find anything. Absolutely nothing. No spec. No heartbeat. No sign of life. The silence in the room was deafening. I wanted to crawl up in a hole and never come out. The devastation was like a boulder crushing me and I couldn’t breathe.

Even though we were only pregnant for such a short about of time, I do believe that life begins at conception, so losing this baby was incredibly heartbreaking for us. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I wanted to hide. Maybe if I didn’t tell anyone then maybe it didn’t really happen. Maybe we could just move on as if it was all a bad dream, and that is what we have done, until now.

The third pregnancy

About 5 months after our miscarriage we got another surprise, we were pregnant again. To say we were ecstatic is an understatement. I felt like the hole inside of me was finally beginning to fill. I felt exactly the same with this pregnancy than I did with our first son, sick as a dog, so I was sure we were going to have another boy (especially if my dream was to stay on target). But when we went for our ultrasound we were given the news that we were going to have a little girl this time. What? A girl? I was for certain it was a boy! I made the ultrasound tech triple check. We were definitely having a girl, our rainbow baby.

The Realization

A couple months ago I was talking to a friend about the names we had picked out for our children and why we had picked them. I also mentioned that we had another boy name that we loved and were ready to use, but wouldn’t be needing it anymore since we had decided we were not going to have anymore children. It was a name we had chosen in memory of my grandfather, who is now in Heaven, and I was quite sad that we would never be able to use the name in his honor.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My dream. The name. Everything came crashing down on me. Because I had brushed our miscarriage under the rug, ignored the pain, went on with life and pretended like nothing had ever happened, I never stopped to realize that we DID have TWO sons and a daughter. I had THREE pregnancies, even though one was only for such a short amount of time. Our family was indeed a family of FIVE.

To the son we never knew, I am so sorry we never acknowledged you. I am sorry that we tried to pretend that you never existed. Your loss was so painful to us that I didn’t know how to cope. I pray that you can forgive me. I know that one day I will meet you again, and we will dance together in Heaven. For now, give your great-grandfather a hug and kiss for me, my dear sweet Dawson. Your mommy, daddy, brother and sister all love you so much. Love always and forever, Mom

Encouragement for Others

You might be wondering why I finally decided to share this and why I decided to share it so publicly? Well, I am a firm believer that sometimes God allows us to endure certain storms so that we may be the lifeboat to someone else when they are going through the same storm. So here I am, being vulnerable in front of all of you in hopes that my struggle, my storm, may reach the one person who may have needed it today. And if that person is you, then I am here for you and would love to pray for you. You are not alone, I understand how you are feeling and will leave you with this last thought, after enduring one of life’s biggest storms sometimes you are blessed with the most beautiful rainbow.

 “God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 30:5

***Photography by the talented Erika Rodriguez and dresses from Unique Vintage***