The Year that Broke Me

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” -1 Peter 4:8

In pictures you would never know that this past year, was by far, the year that broke me. It was a tough year mentally, emotionally and at times physically as well. Let me go back a little so this all makes sense…

The beginning of 2019 started with a real bang, but not in a good way. Our 4 year old daughter (now 5) on New Years Day woke up with a burning fever and just a few days later we were admitted into a children’s hospital for a serious case of the flu. It was a nasty way to begin the new year and she struggled to maintain her health for many months following the hospital stay. There were endless amounts of sleepless nights, begging her to take medicine and prayers over her to get better.

Spring arrived before we knew it and we were still struggling to keep the kids healthy. If you have been a parent for a while you know that sick kids = tired parents, tired parents = short fused, half functioning adults.

In hopes of solving our problem, we started talking about ripping up old carpet we thought might have mold underneath it. We figured there was a good chance it could be the cause for their constant colds. But once we mentioned taking out old carpets it all of a sudden snow-balled into an entire downstairs remodel; the kitchen, all the floors, the bathroom, the staircase and the upstairs hallway.

After months of research we actually decided to go ahead with the massive project (you can read all about it HERE). My husband acted as the general contractor for most everything (minus the bathroom) and he and my dad did the entire demolition together as well. We started demo on July 9th and the summer was a blur of dust, construction workers, frustrated phone calls to contractors, measuring cabinets over and over and over again, and a stress level you can only imagine if you have gone through a remodel and tried to live in it with two young kids.

And that’s exactly what we did, we lived in our demolished house through the entire summer only leaving one night. The hubby worked either at his normal job or came home and worked on the house, it was never ending. I did my best to keep the kids busy and out of the house most days. We were both mentally and physically exhausted.

Fast forward to the end of summer, the house was close to being finished when we got a phone call we had been dreading for a while. We had hoped it could have been postponed until we were completely done with the house, but no such luck.

My husbands mother was in the hospital and we were told she could no longer live independently. We needed to find her a new home and find it fast. Her current living situation wasn’t healthy, she couldn’t make it up and down the stairs on her own anymore and regular daily needs were not being met. She had also accumulated so many things over the years it was going to take quite a bit of time to try to empty everything out and sell the home.

Weeks of research for a new assisted living home began, as well as emptying the old place, which was all done by my husband and his sister. Meanwhile I stayed home to take care of the kids and grew extremely resentful.

The home remodel had been overwhelming and had taken over our lives. Plus, to pay for everything the hubby worked lots of additional overtime. Now, on his days off, he was caring for another problem and I wasn’t happy. I wanted him home with me and the kids, I was having a hard time being empathetic.

Never once did my husband ask me if his mom could come live with us, never once did he ask me for help cleaning up her home, never once did he ask me to make any phone calls to try to find a new place for her within the budget. But as the weeks went on I grew so angry anytime he had to leave to take care of yet another issue.

I felt like it wasn’t fair. That God shouldn’t be putting all of this pressure on us, especially this early in life. Non of our friends were dealing with these kinds of issues, no one had any answers for us when we asked. I didn’t think we should have to be dealing with this and was pissed that it was eating away at me and our marriage.

I kept saying things like “why us God?” “Why can’t I have my husband’s full attention?” “When will he notice me again?” “I’m so angry we are in this position.” “Will our marriage ever get back on track?” “I just want to escape!!”

Christmas season quickly arrived and the stress of the entire year came crashing down. The house was in escrow, causing even more pressure during the busiest season of the year AND both kids were sick (AGAIN)! I also had other extended family hardships that I am not at liberty to share, but it definitely added to the tension.

I won’t go into any more details, because they don’t really matter, but I will say we had a pretty big blow out. I can’t remember the last time I cried, or should I say balled, my eyes out. I cried for hours, then hours turned into a few days. I just couldn’t stop crying. It felt like the weight of our problems were simply too much to bear. I was no longer strong enough to withstand the pressures that had been placed upon us.

After all the crying seemed to settle, like the dust from the remodel, I started to see how my shortcomings were a big reason for our problems, not the actual “problems” itself. Since when did marriage become a one person sport? He was running the long distance and I was on the side lines wondering why he wasn’t looking at me during the race. Who does that? What kind of support system is that? How can anyone finish a race with that kind of “fan?”

As the weeks turned into months he finally found a place for his mom and was able to empty out her old home to sell. God had yet again been faithful, even when I didn’t deserve it. We found some time to talk, more calmly this time around, and realized we both have some issues we need to work on (who doesn’t). It is not going to be easy, but we both agreed it would be worth it. We made a commitment to each other the day we said “I DO” for “better or for worse” and this definitely fell into the “worse” category, but that was part of the deal.

I have a feeling our journey back to the “better” may take some time and that is ok, because good things are worth the wait. For “those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31

I share this story with all of you as part of our imperfect journey through life. God never said life would be easy, or for the faint of heart, but HE did promise to “give us a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:14 Having faith does not make life easy, but it does make it possible. Possible for two imperfect humans to love and forgive and to move forward.

So where does the story end? It doesn’t, it really is just beginning…It may have been the year that broke me, but what is broken can be mended, what hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.

If you liked this article you may also like this one or this one, each different battles we have faced. Or if you need help, like I felt like I did, check out this page.