Learning to Let Go

“Let Go and Let God”

As I sit with my daughter in the hospital room while she lay lifeless and asleep, my mind began to wander. The days leading up to that moment I had felt completely helpless. Everything that I tried to do wasn’t bringing her back to life. Her limp body, high fevers, night terrors, lack of motivation to even lift her own head was leaving me exhausted, defeated and scared.

After 6 days of these symptoms not improving and one trip to the doctor, I went with my mom gut, the one that tells you something is wrong, but you don’t want it to be right. So we went to the Urgent Care on a quiet Sunday morning, except the doctor couldn’t give me the answers I needed, in fact he took a good long look at her and sent me to the best Children’s Hospital in Orange County. I began to sweat, I had never had to take either of my kids to the ER before.

Once I figured out how to park and get to the ER we were eventually taken to a room where I learned it would be another time in my life I would have to let go. I had to relinquish my mom power to the doctors and nurses who knew more than me and needed to help my sweet baby girl. It took everything I had to put on my best “you’ll be fine” face when they started with Tylenol suppositories, blood draws and an IV. I had to “man up” every time someone came into the room wanting to check vitals and all baby girl wanted to do was to be left alone, so she cried and looked to me for comfort. It was incredibly difficult for me to just sit and wait, hoping to see some signs of improvement, learning to let go and let God take over.

Why is letting go so difficult? It seems as if at every new life stage there comes this strife of letting go of something or even someone you once loved.

When we are very young we have to let go of things we don’t understand but our parents tell us “you’ll understand when you are older.” We let go of security blankets, stuffed animals, pacifiers, toys and clothes that we outgrow or wear out. We learn to let go of teachers that stay behind for the next group and things other kids say, we even let go of parents holding on so tight.

As a young adult we let go of thinking we know it all. We let go of childhood homes, the security of laundry being done weekly and say hello to turning clothes inside out to wear again. We let go of first loves, friends that travel a different path as you, bad habits and crashed cars. We even let go of the idea that getting a good paying job to pay off school loans will happen the second we graduate.

As a parent, learning to let go takes on a whole new meaning, a life of its own. We learn to let go of every cry when you realize it’s for their own good. We learn to let go when they take their very first steps and even when they fall. We let go when they start school for the first time and suddenly we aren’t the only one influencing them. As parents we let go of the small stuff too, like when they don’t eat their vegetables at dinner. We even let go when they start wanting to hang out with their friends more than us.

As they grow the “letting go pains” grow significantly deeper when we watch them drive off in a car alone for the first time, go on a date, move out of the house, go off to college and quite possibly meet the mate of their dreams and get married.

So, if we have to let go of things as we grow, why does it seem to become harder as we age? Shouldn’t it get easier knowing it’s all a part of life? After my trip to the hospital, I would have to say it definitely does not get easier, but we do have more wisdom with which to deal with it. My heart may have ached knowing I could not do anything to help my daughter, but I could take heart that we were in a good place with great doctors and my faith also reassured me that the only thing I really could do was LET GO AND LET GOD take control.

God tells us “for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11   and he also says “DON’T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.” Philippians 4:6-7 AND didn’t God give us the ultimate example of letting go when He loved us so much that he gave us His son to die for our sins?!? What an incredible act as a parent to give your one and only son as a sacrifice for the lives of others.

We ended up going home after about 36 hours in the hospital, it turned out our daughter had a very severe reaction to the flu and wasn’t able to fight it on her own. Her white blood cell counts dropped too low, which made it almost impossible for her to fight off the infection. With the fluids of the IV they were able to bring her back to life. I am so thankful to the staff that helped her and even more so to every person that prayed for her and for me while we were there.

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Have I learned my lesson about trusting in God’s plan and relinquished all my plans to him? Most likely…until I have another emergency and I’ll have to re-read this article and remind myself that I was never in control in the first place. It’s a good thing His mercies are new each day!;) What is the hardest thing you have ever had to let go of? How did you handle it?

All photography by the oh so talented Lindsay Gage.